personal

Same Difference

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I was feeling utterly miserable the past few weeks. Despairing. Catastrophizing. The works.

And my life is fine.

I have a roof over my head and I can eat decent meals three times a day or even more. I don’t understand why I am despairing when it all seems so “bougie”.

I’m probably bored. On the bad side, this felt like a first world problem, worthy of eye-rolls and more. On the good side, I might be able to work on it.

I googled “irritability and…”. I honestly forgot if I put frustration, anger or restlessness or a combination of those but the searches returned information about alcoholism. Wow wait lang. I rarely drink except for the occasional glass of wine or beer.

But that was an interesting surprise.

I learned about the term “dry drunk”. It’s when a person, who was once an alcoholic, no longer drinks yet still have these “nebulous alcoholic thoughts.” Physically, this person is already clean and sober yet their mind is still in that hole.

That piqued my interest.

I thought about what I could possibly be addicted to. If I was having similar symptoms as ex-alcoholics – irritability, restlessness, dry drunkenness, then is it possible to be”dry drunk” about something other than alcohol? This led me to hypothesize that I was/am addicted to misery. Hypothesis lang naman.

But that was my first thought. If you remember, I wrote about having a theme for the year which is to have better thoughts. The practice of being conscious of “stories I tell myself” is like a form of sobriety. I mean consciousness=sobriety. My version of alcohol was my habit of being miserable. Why was this my habit? (Why was I not a shopaholic instead?!) Possibly due to:

-being either burned out or bored-out depending on my employment

-sad life events/ little and big life changes

-growing up trying to be “academically good enough” and failing

– feeling guilty about being middle class and more privileged than many Filipinos then also feeling bad about not being able to afford conveniences and things that come so easily for the affluent.

-feeling guilty that I’m not a social justice warrior, not pursuing a not-for-profit/charitable org role (wow I have Messianic complex rin pala even if I didn’t go the NGO route)

-humans being wired for negativity for evolutionary survival? (as per many psych literature)

The list goes on but those are a few possibilities. My guess is that I’ve been feeling good and in control lately (like this year). Not always but I’ve become visibly better. I haven’t berated myself as often as I did before. I’ve grown a little more confident in different aspects of my ability. Then my brain is like: “What the hell—“

Nagrerebelde sya kasi hindi sya sanay.

My brain is panicking that I’m not struggling with anything. It’s like I always have to be undergoing something difficult, everything has to be a struggle, I should always feel bad. Ganyan. I’m not really sure what to do this time except to write about it. There are great problems and people struggling in this world. I know empathy, understanding and action are important to have. I just need that balance where I’m not paralyzed by guilt and misery -be able to empathize while being grateful for what I have and where I am.

So how? I don’t know. I have ideas. It’s a work in progress.

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personal

Fall Comeback (kind of)

Oh no! November is almost ending and I have not had any blog posts up. I haven’t sat down to write or think of anything except that I intend to bring back my Monthly Challenge. It’s a good way to keep me posting at least one entry every month. Thank you Jolens for encouraging me and reminding me I have blog! Haha. I still look at my reading list and I have fun reading your blogs guys!

I am excited with the monthly challenge even if it’s a repeat thing because I have so many things I want to do but not enough motivation (or discipline).

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I haven’t set anything final for the specific challenges but here are some things I would like to get going at some point (in no particular order):

Bring baon 3x a week – Yes andito na naman po tayo sa baon and meal planning. It’s a constant struggle and challenge.

Skincare + Makeup – I kind of already have my usual 2-step routine. Cleanse and moisturize. That’s it. I’m happy with that but I really need to get myself that moisturizer with SPF for the mornings. In terms of makeup, my minimum requirement is lipstick which is already a habit of mine but in an effort to be less yagit, I want to use a BB cream/tinted moisturizer with SPF then add a bit of blush. I wanna have that “coverage” and a slightly made up look so I don’t look like a kid at work and who knows what career opportunities will come. Haha. Honestly, looks matter. I mean this in terms of other people’s perception of you and your intelligence. I have no energy to try out an outgoing, extroverted, has-opinions-on-everything personality at work that usually also works so looks na muna. I didn’t realize ang dami ko palang beef about this. Makeup is therapy?

Study Tuesdays and Thursdays – Speaking of career, I’m taking another class. I’m narrowing down on two possible career paths but still don’t have a clear idea and can’t make firm decisions on what I will pursue (story of my life!) but I know I should proactively learn something to keep my skills “current”. It’s so hard to study now though. I just want to lounge when I get home from work.

Exercise – 10 mins a day. We all know the benefits of exercise and we all know it’s hard for most people. Like me. Hehe.

Wake up at 6:30 3x a week – That’s not even that early! I still struggle with this even though I know it is worth it to have a few extra minutes. I have to say though that I’m calmer these past years because I try not to rush out of the house, I use only one purse that carries everything I need for work, have staple outfits/work uniforms and take that crucial moment to have my morning drink.

Record a podcast every Wednesday – more on this later. I have this and I told you about it already but I also have another one. Pero bakit ang hirap panindigan? I still occasionally cringe hearing my voice. Hehehe.

And that’s all folks.

From the distracted, inconsistent blogger. Me.

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growth, Uplift

The Dark Side of Self Improvement

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As a person who likes learning and reading self- helpy stuff, I wanted to share this TedTalk by Suzanne Eder. Sometimes with my keen interest, I ignore or forget the not so helpful and even insidious things that go on behind self-improvement. With self-improvement there seems to be an inherent assumption that something is wrong with you. Eder says this can be harmful because we end up antagonizing ourselves as we focus on goals and less on the natural process of growth.

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personal, places

New York City and Daydreams

Hello. It’s been a while. I did say summers were slow blogging times for me but I wanted to drop by.

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En Plein Air – Art installation at The High Line. This one is by Lubaina Himid.

I went on vacation a many weeks ago and the combination of being somewhere new and meeting an old friend refreshed me. My highschool classmate T met hubby and me at her favourite Italian restaurant. We ordered grilled octopus and tagliatelli. Then we moved on to this little pastry shop right across it for dessert. They were famous for cronuts so a line of people snaked through the street for their pre-orders. We went past them because we wanted the not-so-famous pastries. T and I chatted away about past memories, Philippine beaches, vacations and other things on the cafe’s pretty patio. 

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book love, food, Philippines

Philippine Cookery: From Heart to Platter

To me, Philippine Cookery From Heart to Platter is a cross between a humble coffee table book and an elevated cookbook. The book begins with telling us chef and author Tatung Sarthou’s personal experience and views on food. There is a page that outlines his 5 laws of cooking. Despite the typical nature of rules, these five laws felt more encouraging rather than prescriptive. The contents and recipes that follow are organized not by ingredients but by cooking method. Historical and cultural notes are found in between recipes and instructions.

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personal

Distracted Means Being Preoccupied with Something Else

Maybe May is like the October of the Spring-Summer where the transition to another season becomes more apparent. This time last year, I was on vacation and going about my usual routine during this time feels strange. I’m making this up to explain why I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately.

I didn’t know what to write on the blog.

I haven’t been intentional with cooking meals or preparing baon.

Also, I kind of missed a deadline.

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Our neighbor’s Mountain Bluet (or at least that’s what I think it is).

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