Maybe May is like the October of the Spring-Summer where the transition to another season becomes more apparent. This time last year, I was on vacation and going about my usual routine during this time feels strange. I’m making this up to explain why I’ve been feeling out of sorts lately.
I didn’t know what to write on the blog.
I haven’t been intentional with cooking meals or preparing baon.
Also, I kind of missed a deadline.
We had this project and a midterm exam. The evening before the midterms, I was studying and preparing. Lalala. “After this midterm I can finally focus on the project.” That’s what I was thinking. Then at 10:30 p.m., I decided to check some of the online notes.
Then when I checked online, I had my big maling akala moment: Our project was due 11:30.
Mygahd. I panicked for a second but I eventually did everything I could in the span of an hour (which was not much) then submitted my project online. Kasi naman sino ba nag rerequire ng project the evening prior to midterms? Haay shookt ako. I think I will fail that project. But anyway I’m glad that I handled it alright. My younger self would have worried like crazy. I would have spiraled out of control, hated myself and given up. Basically catastrophize that incident then question my life. Haha.
I’m aware that my grades prior to the project (just with quizzes and assignments) are fairly good and I just have to exert more effort for the next requirements so I can get a reasonable grade for this class. My main priority for this class is to understand the material, second is to get a decent grade (kahit pass okay na). At this point the course is exploratory too. Hindi naman siya big issue. Pero yun lang mejo mess.
Speaking of mess, my sister and I binged watched the first 4 episodes of Jailbirds and wow. Ang sheltered pala ng buhay namin. Their lives are just light years away from the one I and many people I interact with have.
The episodes showed me the effects of the cycle of violence, abuse, scarcity and short-term thinking in action. Marami sa kanila from a difficult and marginalized background so they do’t know any other way to live while yung iba naman had normal lives until something snapped. In terms of scarcity and short-term thinking, I do that too but seeing it in an extreme degree is something else. Also seeing people self-sabotage, while hard, was comforting (is that bad?!) because you’re reminded that it’s human nature. Meaning, one can learn to NOT self-sabotage?
I thought, if these people tweaked their thinking even a little bit, they’ll actually take a big leap in changing their lives. Ibang klase talaga sila, the way they lead their lives. You can’t help but also think about yours. Parang sabi ng sister ko, if my current situation was my jail, what do I need to do and think so I can to get out of it? Pero of course aside from the internal, there are greater societal factors (ie poverty, racism etc) that keep them in the system. Mejo nakakalola pero yun yung effect sa amin ng Jailbirds.
Right now I’m distracted by many things. Among them are planning for the next vacation and window shopping (and maybe actual shopping for a few items. Ubos na lip balm ko. Yey!).
I guess there’s nothing much. Just here living. End of chika. Lol.